


An Epistolary Three Years Late

by RedSuspenders



Category: Newsies - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Heavy Angst, M/M, So i didn't use their nicknames, cause that's all I write, letter format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-01
Updated: 2016-12-01
Packaged: 2018-09-03 15:53:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8719765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedSuspenders/pseuds/RedSuspenders
Summary: Tony finally sits down one day and reads all the letters Sean has written him over the years. Warning you now there is an overdose involved. Also there isn't a happy ending so sorry not sorry.





	

 

I rub my thumb over the leather-bound journal cover. It’s been sitting in my desk drawer for three years now, completely untouched. Jack had sent it to me in the mail, a week after That Day. He had put a simple post-it note on the front that read:

_ Tony, _

_ Found this in his room when we were  _

_ cleaning up. I figured he probably  _

_ would’ve wanted you to have it  _

_ instead of me. _

_ Jack _

I had tried reading it a few times when I first got it, but That Day was still so fresh in my mind that it was too painful. I would only get through the first two words on the page and then all the memories would come rushing back, and I would break down again. Andrew thought it would be a good idea if I waited a bit longer to read it. I had thought about reading it a few times since then, but had never built up enough courage to actually open the cover. Now, as a senior in college and with Andrew gone for the weekend, I have the whole dorm to myself, so I don’t have to worry about Andrew seeing me break down. I’m hoping I won’t, but I still miss him so much that it’s pretty likely I will.

I take a deep breath and undo the worn little leather latch that keeps it closed. Just opening it and seeing his handwriting causes my heart to ache. It’s been so long since I’ve seen the messy script; I sigh and start reading.

August 21, 2016

Dear Tony,

Oh god, I can’t believe I just wrote that. My therapist thinks I need somewhere to record my thoughts, so Jack had the brilliant idea to buy this stupid diary and force me to write in it. But there’s no way I’m writing to my diary like some eight-year-old girl. You should consider yourself lucky that I chose to write to you. Now you get to read all my stupid little stories or maybe just random thoughts I have. Well, I highly doubt that I’ll ever let you read this, since technically we aren’t really even friends yet. I only just met you yesterday. Oh look, here’s one of those stupid stories I warned you about. I guess this one’s pretty important though, since it’s how we met.

_It was the first day of school, and I was the new kid. Since I’m living with Jack right now, I was partially relieved that I would have the same lunch bell as him. That way I would at least know someone, but no, the school screwed up my schedule. Not only was I late to every single class, I also had a new lunch bell, so I was officially that loser kid that sits alone. Jack promised that he would bring me to meet all his friends on Friday, to make it up to me, even though it’s not really his fault. I’m not really that great at making friends, so I’m not really looking forward to it._

_ Anyway, after that first miserable day, I was expecting the rest of the week to look pretty much the same. But yesterday, I was sitting there, minding my own business, when you just walked up and sat down across from me. I don’t think you even brushed your hair that morning, it was going in every direction, and you were wearing a t-shirt for a band I’ve never heard of. You didn’t say anything, you just started eating. I tried to settle for just glaring at you, hoping you’d get the message that I wanted you to leave. You must’ve been either really stupid or just determined, or maybe a little bit of both because after ten minutes you still hadn’t left. Since glaring wasn’t working, I decided to try and make conversation. Here it is, copied almost exactly, for your enjoyment: _

_ Me: Who are you?  _

_ You: Hi, I’m Tony! I think we’re in the same history class. _

_ Then you just went back to eating your sandwich, like there was no more that needed to be said. I have really bad social anxiety, and talking to new people is literally the worst, and you weren’t making it any easier. After a while I tried again, but it definitely wasn’t as kind as my first try. _

_ Me: And? Why are you sitting here? _

_ You: Oh, well, I heard you were new and you looked kind of lonely sitting all by yourself, and since all my friends are in different lunches, I thought I’d join you. _

_ Me: Did Jack put you up to this? _

_ You: Jack Kelly? No, why? Do you know him? _

_ I never answered your question but if you were still wondering, yes I do know him, he’s my foster brother. The conversation ended there since the bell rang. You just got up and smiled at me before leaving. Ugh, you’re so nice it makes me want to puke. _

_Sean Conlon_

I let out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding. I remember that day perfectly, I had noticed Sean on the first day too, but I was way too nervous to go sit with him then. It had taken a pep talk from Ben to get me to walk over there so casually the second day. I had a little speech I was going to say when I sat down, but I forgot every word as soon as I saw him. I just sat there like an idiot until he finally said something. I wasn’t even in his history class and he must’ve realized that was a complete lie. Although I really had no idea he was Jack’s foster brother. Jack had told me about him, but I didn’t make the connection until almost a week later.

_ August 25, 2016 _

_ Dear Tony, _

_ This past week you’ve sat with me every single day. We usually just sit in silence, since you don’t talk to me unless I actually feel like talking which is pretty uncommon. Although I hate to admit it, it’s actually been really nice sitting with you and I find myself looking forward to lunch each day. Today you asked if I wanted to hang out after school. At first, I thought you must’ve been joking because no one ever asks me to do anything outside of school, but you were completely serious. I really wanted to say yes but then I remembered I had promised Jack I’d meet all his friends tonight so I told you I was busy. You just shrugged and went back to your sandwich. (It was peanut butter and banana today.) _

_ Sean Conlon _

_ August 26, 2016 _

_ Dear Tony, _

_ I’m such an idiot. Jack and I met all his friends at one of their houses, David’s, I think. We walked in and guess who’s there. (Well you can’t guess since you already know, but maybe you don’t remember.) But you were standing right there talking to someone. You spotted me and started laughing, and you told me that this is what you were going to invite me to and you had no idea I was ‘the brother’ that Jack said he was bringing. Jack tried to introduce everyone to me at once but there were way too many faces and I only remember a few. There was Mike, who was at least half a foot taller than everyone else there. Then there was David, who I already mentioned; he seemed like the mom of the group, and he mostly just talked to Jack. The only other one I really remembered was Ryan. That’s because he had an eye patch on his left eye. He told me it was because he was in a car crash as a kid. He said the doctors gave him the option of a glass eye but he’s always thought they looked creepy. I told him the eye patch was a good look for him and we ended up talking for most of the time. I would’ve liked to talk to you, but you were busy talking to Mike, Jack and someone else, Andrew, maybe? It turns out Ryan really likes to gossip. He told me all sorts of things about the friend group. Most of it was stupid little things I didn’t really care about, like how David has had a huge crush on Jack for years, but Jack’s just too much of an idiot to realize. I did learn, however, that a few years ago, you dated Jack for a couple months. I knew Jack was bi, that was one of the first things he told me when we met, but that was when I first learned you were gay.  _

_ This is where I made one of the stupidest mistakes of my life: I told Ryan that I was gay. I really don’t care who knows that, but then I went on to tell him - here it comes - that I may or may not have a slight crush on you. I know, it was stupid to do that, wasn’t it? I told the biggest gossip of the group a secret that he’s not going to be able to resist telling. So it’s only been what, eight hours, and I’m pretty sure that everyone, including you, now knows. Great. _

_ Sean Conlon _

I can’t help but laugh. I don’t really remember much about that night, and I have no idea why I didn’t just talk to Sean the whole time. I was probably complaining to Mike, Andrew, and Jack about how nervous I was around him. I’m surprised Mike didn’t slap me for being so annoying, because Sean was all I talked about. I had no idea Ryan told him about me and Jack. Then, the image of Sean, who never talked about his feelings, telling Ryan, the biggest idiot I know, that he liked me, brings tears to my eyes, I’m laughing so hard. Yes, Sean, that was very stupid because I knew not even an hour after you left that night.

_ September 3, 2016 _

_ Dear Tony, _

_ You sat with me at lunch all week like always, but it was painfully awkward. It was pretty obvious you’d heard the news from Mr. I-Can’t-Keep-My-Mouth-Shut. Every time I tried to talk to you, you would just stutter and refuse to look me in the face. Today I finally decided to just tell you how I felt, since it’s probably better if you heard it straight from me and not some secondhand gossip. After I told you, you completely froze for way too long, then finally said, “Oh thank god, I heard it from David, who heard it from Ben, who heard it from Ryan, and I was kind of praying it was true, since I like you too, but I wasn’t really getting my hopes up because it could’ve just been Ryan making up a bunch of crap and just-” You finally paused for a breath, and your face was so red I thought you were going to faint. After I didn’t say anything for a few seconds, you went ahead and asked me if I wanted to go and get ice cream. I was still trying to digest everything you said, and you looked terrified that you must’ve heard me wrong or something until I was finally able to just nod and say that I’d be happy to go. I’m still in a bit of a daze and can’t wait for Friday. _

_ Sean Conlon _

Every single day that week, I would promise myself that day was going to be the day I told you how I felt. Of course I would wimp out every time I sat down, so when you finally told me, I didn’t know what to do. I really have no idea what I said that day, I’m just glad it worked. 

_ September 5, 2016 _

_ Dear Tony, _

_ You took me to the little ice cream parlor down the street from my house earlier today. To be honest, ice cream, or really sweets in general, aren’t really my thing. I didn’t want you to think that I didn’t want to be there or something so I just got a kid’s cone. You laughed at me when I ordered it, but promised me it was because of how adorable I looked. I told you that I’m never adorable, only manly, and that made you start laughing again. You ordered the biggest sundae the place had (extra nuts and no cherry), and I was definitely not expecting you to finish it, but you did, and in record time. Somehow you got some of the whipped cream on your nose, and I decided not to tell you, because it was hilarious. Eventually you noticed though, and you pretended to be mad, but you were laughing more than you were yelling. _

_ Sean Conlon _

_ September 20, 2016 _

_ Dear Tony, _

_ This is probably the happiest I’ve been in awhile. We were all hanging out at David’s like usual, but this time Katherine came too, and I’d never met her. In front of everyone, you introduced us, and this is how you introduced me: “This is my boyfriend, Sean.” When you said the word “boyfriend” you had the biggest grin on your face and you glanced over at me to make sure it was okay to call me that, since we’d never really talked about it. I was doing everything in my power to keep from grinning too, and it was pretty obvious that I didn’t mind. Everyone else knew we had gone on a couple of dates, but they had no idea we were dating. They were all really excited for us, especially Jack, who knew how much I needed something good like you in my life. _

_ Sean Conlon _

Tears are streaming down my face now. That day has always been one of my favorites. When I told Katherine that Sean was my boyfriend, I was so happy, I almost cried. It didn’t even occur to me that he might not think of me the same way, because I knew he cared about me just as much. When I looked over and saw his face, my smile grew even bigger if that’s even possible. Sean’s actual smile was so rare, every time I saw it, I could see the pure joy on his face. The image causes me to actually sob and it’s a good twenty minutes before I can continue reading.

_ October 12, 2016 _

_ Dear Tony,  _

_ Yesterday I mentioned to you that I’ve never seen any of the Star Wars movies. I don’t remember how it came up, but you were horrified. That night you showed up at my house to marathon all of them with me. You brought food since you felt bad for inviting yourself over. I couldn’t be happier that you showed up. Jack tried to watch the first movie with us, but he only lasted about fifteen minutes before he got bored and left us alone. I didn’t really understand what was going on in the movie at all, but you were eager to explain in extreme detail. I was just focused on getting to cuddle with you and sneak the occasional kiss. _

_ Sean Conlon _

I remember this day in vivid detail, too. I brought Chinese take-out with me and I had to teach him how to use chopsticks. Sean was pretty embarrassed, and ended up just using a fork. We sat on the small couch in his living room, when Jack decided to join us. He didn’t get bored. Jack loves Star Wars, he left because I kept glaring at him and it took him fifteen minutes to realize that I wanted him to leave us alone.

_ March 12, 2017 _

_ Dear Tony, _

_ Today you told me you loved me for the first time and I didn’t hesitate to say it back. _

_ Sean Conlon _

There’s only a couple entries left in the journal and I decide that there’s somewhere I need to go. I get up off the floor and my whole body aches from sitting in the same position for so long. I leave the dorm building and make my way to the nearest bus stop. I’m still wearing the same random band t-shirt I slept in, and I  haven’t even brushed my hair. I realize I must look a little crazy standing there, with red, puffy eyes, just carrying an old journal. 

The bus arrives shortly and I get on and head for the seat in the back. It’s where Sean and I would always sit, and now it seems empty without him there beside me. I sigh and open the journal to keep reading.

_ May 18, 2017 _

_ Dear Tony, _

_ I just found this diary again, and it’s obviously been awhile since the last letter. It’s become so much easier to talk to you, and I’ve found I haven’t needed it as much. I guess that’s a good thing, but I still miss writing these.  _

_ Yesterday was our graduation ceremony. We are officially high school graduates. You can’t even begin to understand how grateful I am that we’re going to the same college. I don’t know what I’d do without you nearby. I just hope that we’ll be able to see each other every day, since we’re both going into different majors. You knew from the start that you wanted to be a business major, but I just recently decided to be an art major. When I told you, you were excited for me, but I knew you were disappointed we wouldn’t get to see each other as often. _

_ At graduation, you wouldn’t even let me hold hands with you, and I couldn’t figure out why, until you said it was because your parents were there. That’s when I realized I’ve never met your parents and you’ve never really talked about them. I’m not really sure if it’s because you’re embarrassed of me, or if you just haven’t come out to your parents yet, but I missed you standing so close beside me like you always do. _

_ Sean Conlon _

I start crying again. It was stupid and immature to never explain to him about my parents, because he obviously thought it was somehow his fault. I had come out to them only a year before I met Sean and it definitely could’ve gone better. My dad almost disowned me until my mother convinced him otherwise. Now they like to pretend that I never came out in the first place and whenever I remind them I’m gay, I usually have to spend the night at David’s. I desperately wanted to act normally with Sean at graduation but my parents were there and since they’d never actually seen me with another guy, I hadn’t known what they would’ve done and I didn’t want Sean to see me break down. 

Although, now that all seems so stupid and trivial. If I had just told him, not only would he have understood, he would’ve helped me through it. I lean my head against the cool glass of the window and try to calm down a bit, since I really don’t want to have to get off the bus sobbing. There’s still a few more stops before mine, so I start reading the last entry.

_ October 23, 2017 _

_ Dear Tony, _

_ Oh Tony, we’re in the middle of our first fight. It’s killing me inside because all I really want right now is for you to hold me and tell me that it’ll be okay, but you’re mad at me. College is a lot busier than either one of us expected and tension has been rising ever since it started.  _

_ It’s a Friday night and I usually come over at about eleven and we watch a movie together. All my art classes are so much harder than I expected and I really wanted to talk to you about it because I’ve been a bit discouraged. I asked if I could come over a few hours earlier than usual to talk, but you immediately told me no, that you were too busy. Then you said that actually I couldn’t come over at all tonight because you have a project due that you haven’t even started. I’ve never heard you so angry or stressed, but I really didn’t know why any of that was my fault. Then I probably said the worst thing in the world. I told you fine, I didn’t need you anyway, that I never actually liked you, that Jack had just told me about your crappy past and I had felt bad for you.  _

_ I’m so sorry Tony, it was all a lie and you knew it was a lie, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. I’m sorry, and I wish I could take it all back because I’ve never heard you sound so hurt. I think you feel bad too though, because you keep calling me. You’re calling right now actually, but I can’t answer it, I can’t talk to you right now. We can just talk tomorrow. Some girl in my figure drawing class invited me to a party so maybe I’ll go and try and forget about this whole thing until then. _

_ Sean Conlon _

Oh Sean. Please let this all be some kind of cruel joke. I had no idea he wrote an entry about That Day. I think about this night every single day of my life, even three years later. I’m still crying and I no longer care who sees.

My business major was a lot of work and I was almost always stressed. That didn’t really help our relationship, but we made it work. That night when Sean called to ask if he could come over, I had just found out that the project that I thought was due in a week was actually due that Monday. I was freaking out and only half listening to what Sean was saying. If I had just paid closer attention, I would have heard the hurt in his voice. None of it was his fault, and I never should’ve yelled at him. I could’ve prevented the whole thing. 

Then, when Sean told me he didn’t need me I realized I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. I’m pretty sure I was crying at that point, but before I could say anything he had hung up. I kept trying to call him over and over to apologize. I should’ve just gone to see him. I could’ve prevented the whole thing. 

That’s all I know for sure because the rest of the story I had to hear from a sobbing Jack the next day. Apparently Sean had gone to that party and tried to forget everything. In a way he succeeded because he overdosed. No one knows if it was on purpose or not, but I know it wasn’t. Sean would never do that. I still hate myself because I could’ve prevented the whole thing. 

I get off at my stop, and ignore the driver asking me if I’m alright. I make the short walk that I’ve probably made about a million times since his death. Once inside the rickety, old gate, I head straight for Sean’s grave. I take a seat, and the tears still haven’t stopped. I open his journal to the next blank page and take out a pen.

Dear Sean,

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by byrd_the_amazing's "Screw It" Is Key When Making Important Decisions. So if you haven't already read it please go do it now!! It's an amazing story that never to make me cry!


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